Yes, you have arrived at Resonant Enigma, in spite of the header. We're in the process of merging the two...

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Notes on the road to/from madness/sanity

~

Eye am a spy
a covert op
sent to infiltrate
the realm of thought forms
and bear witness.
You will all be dissolved
Utterly













5/17/13
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5/27/13
Concentration-meditation narrows your focus to such a restrained point that the imaginary spaces in your mind seem vast by comparison. Perception/neurology: it's all in yer head - literally AND corresponds to the very real 3-D world "out there." What does the imaginary stuff correspond to???
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When you drop out of conceptual mind and all the fallacies drop(assumption) - no! That's not what "happens." YOU(!) just disengage from them?
I enjoy thinking about stuff alla time. Will that dissolve as well?
Nothing "dissolves." An habitual assumed connection is seen to be false.
Not really there.  (I don't see it)
Who doesn't see it?
What is the locus of consciousness that moves from conceptual to still?
What am I?
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Time is what's divided up into increments.
Timelessness is not.
Izzat Lao Tzu's constant?
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~~~ the "center" (of me, of I) dissolves in light...?~~~ (cannabinoid)
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6/01/13

"Spiritual" aspiration

What do I seek?

Why do I seek it?

I've always thought that meditation could silence the crap generated by "me," and afford me a view of what remains. What is going on besides all of my own noise and images?
Teachings have led me to believe or suspect what that may be, ie: "Enlightenment, etc...."
I was "getting close" for a few days there - a lifting and lightening and little frissons of fear - and suddenly boom. Ego is reasserting itself with more doubts and reasons to doubt than I ever knew I had.
Now I'm starting to wonder, seriously, if what I want is not just a happier version of my own current view. I really dread losing certain attachments, positive and negative, from which I derive certain comfort.
Why comfort? There you can relax, experience some of the expansiveness and peace of reality? But small and fleeting.
At - or near, at least - the core of my urgency is the feeling that, without ever seeing the Truth, my life would have been mostly a waste. Abandonment issues, interminable waiting for "life" to start, a sprinkling of shallow relationships, a coupla paintings, no genetic progeny, then worm food.
If there's no point anyway, I guess that's good enough.
"Good enough"?
I want my life to be "good enough?"
Good enough for what?
 ~ Worthy to be noticed ~
I'm afraid of dying alone and anonymous.
Why do I think that someone being aware of me will make a difference?
To "save" me from the moment of oblivion. To distract me from that presence.
That's the ego's plan?!
So due to fear of death I want to live a noteworthy life; a life that someone approves of, so I'll be remembered warmly and my survivors will hate death a little more for taking me. The questions just ask themselves from all that.
All I know is, deep in the core of my ability to think, is a burning, a fire, a demand to know the truth. Nothing satisfies, not even satisfaction.
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~
 

2 comments:

Brian Miller said...

I'm afraid of dying alone and anonymous.
Why do I think that someone being aware of me will make a difference?


i think at some point we believe it gives meaning to our existence...

A.Decker said...

Brian,

Truth be told, in my heart of hearts, I embrace that very fact. But in this post I'm just wracking my brain to make sense of current "Neo-Advaita" teachings I've been exposed to. Sometimes I think they're literally driving me crazy.

I really do appreciate your comments.